Mostly Dead
In the movie The Princess Bride, there is a scene where Inigo and Fezzik carry their friend Westley's body to the home of Miracle Max, in the hopes that Miracle Max can bring their friend back to life. To their surprise, Max tells them that he can bring Westley back to life, but only if he is "mostly dead" instead of "all dead". According to Miracle Max, " There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive."
I have only recently begun to think that his statement is more than just a quote from a classic film. Perhaps there really is a difference between "mostly dead" and "all dead". Maybe what I thought I killed and buried was never "all dead". Maybe it was still slightly alive.
I killed my dream months ago. I chose to take the life from it and put it in the ground, accepting the idea that it would no longer live inside my heart. I willfully chose to cover it up and walk away from something that had been a huge part of me for years. In my mind, I killed it. It's funny though, how "killing" something can be so hard. I don't mean the act of "killing", because that is never easy. I'm talking about killing something and knowing that it's "all dead".
Anytime you hear someone refer to death, it is done with this unspoken sense of completion or finality. When something dies, it ceases to live. Those affected by the death continue to mourn, but that which is dead remains dead and offers up no emotions or feelings. That's not the case here for me and my "dead" dream.
I had every intention of killing it, burying it and walking away to move on with my life, but it's not completely dead. At least, I think that's what the problem is. It's almost as if it continually stands back up and reminds me of the life it could have had. It seems to directly torment me.
So then what do I do? My only answer is to kill it again; kill it every day until it is no longer able to speak to me or visit my thoughts. I have to make sure it is "all dead". This however is not an easy task considering the fact that I never wanted to kill it in the first place.
I have only recently begun to think that his statement is more than just a quote from a classic film. Perhaps there really is a difference between "mostly dead" and "all dead". Maybe what I thought I killed and buried was never "all dead". Maybe it was still slightly alive.
I killed my dream months ago. I chose to take the life from it and put it in the ground, accepting the idea that it would no longer live inside my heart. I willfully chose to cover it up and walk away from something that had been a huge part of me for years. In my mind, I killed it. It's funny though, how "killing" something can be so hard. I don't mean the act of "killing", because that is never easy. I'm talking about killing something and knowing that it's "all dead".
Anytime you hear someone refer to death, it is done with this unspoken sense of completion or finality. When something dies, it ceases to live. Those affected by the death continue to mourn, but that which is dead remains dead and offers up no emotions or feelings. That's not the case here for me and my "dead" dream.
I had every intention of killing it, burying it and walking away to move on with my life, but it's not completely dead. At least, I think that's what the problem is. It's almost as if it continually stands back up and reminds me of the life it could have had. It seems to directly torment me.
So then what do I do? My only answer is to kill it again; kill it every day until it is no longer able to speak to me or visit my thoughts. I have to make sure it is "all dead". This however is not an easy task considering the fact that I never wanted to kill it in the first place.
posted by bekadean at 2:18 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Beka! You know when I first moved here to LA, I had big dreams of working in the entertainment industry. There was a moment when I had to "kill" those dreams, but they were only mostly dead, not all dead, until I actually got the chance to work in the entertainment industry and realized that I didn't enjoy it. Not even a little bit. That's when the dream was able to rest completely. Now I'm doing other things that I enjoy much much more, but would have never imagined I could do.
Strange, isn't it - how killing dreams go? ;-)
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