conflicted

i can't for the life of me figure out why i continually doubt the person that i am. i know i'm not perfect. i know i've got flaws, a lot of them. i know there are things in my life that i need to change. i know i don't always treat people the way i should. i know all those things, but at the same time i know, deep down, that my life has value. i know that i am a good person. i know that my life matters. i know that i have so much to offer: i'm a good friend. i'm trustworthy. i love people wholeheartedly.

i know all these things. in my heart, i know them and don't doubt them; most days.

but for some reason, when someone fails to see me in the way i want them to, i begin to doubt everything about myself. i begin to compare myself to all these people that i'm nothing like and never will be like. i begin to think there's something wrong with me. i start to doubt my value at all.

i know my value is not tied to any other human. i know where my value lies. i know who defines and fulfills me in the deepest parts. i know in my heart who validates beka.

what i don't know is why it's so hard to get my head and heart to agree?
my heart says that He fulfills me, while my head says he does.
or maybe it's the other way around. i'm conlficted. that's all i know right now.
i hope and pray that one day we can call agree.

strange enough

it feels the same way every time...

i get physically sick to my stomach. my legs feel weak. i find it hard to breathe normally.

you'd think that speaking in public would cause me to have this reaction. that or starting a new job. i don't think it's normal to have this response when you are merely speaking up for yourself.

when it's all said and done, i usually end up having some sort of false guilt or remorse. it's weird. i convince myself that i shouldn't have done or said what i did; like i don't deserve to share my thoughts or opinions with anyone. it's really weird.

last night i spoke my mind. i was still sick leading up to it and maybe a little while i was doing it, but strangely enough....

no guilt.
no remorse.
no self-loathing.

just a peace.
maybe that means i'm growing as a person.
maybe it's confirmation that i did the right thing.
maybe, just maybe.....

everything must change

they say change is never easy.

i believe 'em. whoever "they" are.
but no matter how difficult change may be, it's inevitable.

so that's where i find myself again; at a place of necessary change.

i look around and see myself standing on a wall, balancing myself,
trying to keep from falling. i see what's on both sides of this wall that
i've had to construct and i know exactly which way i want to fall....

but the choice is not mine. it's yours. and you're gonna have to choose.
for both our sakes: you've got to choose!
if you want me on your side of the wall, let me know so i can fall straight to you.
if not, then tell me now so i climb over the other side..

until you're out of sight. forever.

as long as i can see you i won't leave this place. and it's starting to rain.