Snow Day

There's snow outside, which is a once-a-year experience here in South Carolina. Having spent the majority of my life in a part of the country that spends all Winter covered in white, I guess you could say I'm pretty cynical about snow. Granted there are worse things to be cynical about, but I've got to say that this time around I've somehow gathered a new-found appreciation for snow. Go figure.

I can remember building snowmen in the front yard for hours, until my gloves were soaked through and my hands had begun to go numb and turn a bright shade of red; driving to school, after a 2-hour delay, and keeping two wheels in the ditch to keep from sliding all over the place; and those unforgettable treks across the campus at Indiana Wesleyan, where you finally sat down in the classroom only to find that your hair was frozen solid and that the wind had literally cut your face. Those are the memories that I associate with Winter & snow. It's kind of sad, huh?

Then I moved here and everyone has this childlike wonder and infatuation with snow. All it takes is for the local meteorologist to mention the words "snow" or "winter storm" and the entire state goes into panice mode, bombarding every grocery store to stock up on the essentials, which oddly enough always consists of milk & bread. They don't even stop to listen to the remainder of the forcast in which they forcast a mere 1 inch of wet snow. They simply grab the keys, hit the local Bi-Lo and hope that schools will be cancelled. I still find this very entertaining.

But this morning as I was driving to work, with the 4 other "brave" souls on the roads, I began to see the beauty in the world of white. There really is something hopeful about a landscape completely covered with snow; everything is clean; everything is new. It hit me today just how exciting that can be. It's almost as if everything starts over, from scratch, with a clean slate. I've chosen to overlook the muddy, slushy mess that inevitabley follows, strictly for selfish reasons.

So today, amidst the whiteness, I choose to see the hope in starting over. I want to begin again, covering everything underneath, to let the newness of today and potential of tomorrow inspire my spirit and encourage my heart. I gotta say, today.....I love snow!

show off

i was talking with a friend this week about prayer. she has recently begun a prayer journal in which she writes down specific prayer requests to take to the Father. some people have disagreed with her on doing this because they think that by praying for specific things you "put God in a box". i disagree with those people.

now, i don't consider myself a deep thinker or a theologian, but this is what i believe about my God.....

i think He loves for me to ask Him for specific things. i think he loves for me to trust him with the details in my life. i think he loves to meet my needs in such a demonstrative way that i have to KNOW it was Him that did it. i think that by praying specifically, it gives God a chance to show up and show off. and i think He loves to show off.

comfort in silence

some may think me lazy when i say that i love to just sit.
i love to just be; just sitting with a friend in comfortable silence.
either one of you is at total freedom to speak or be silent. it doesn't matter which you choose.

this week i have had several of those moments of freeing silence:

one was broken by a friend's spoken desire to hear God speak.
she wanted to know that He is merely silent and not gone away.

one was broken by a friend's random thoughts about life.
she wants to find her place in this world; to find what she was born to do.

there were others, but i've come to appreciate all of them for just what they are.
to me, they are a small indication of the depth and comfort of a friendship.
you can't make those kind of relationships. they simply are.
i count myself blessed to have friendships that simply ARE.

paused

it's been awhile....for whatever reason....

maybe it's because i didn't actually want to write down the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head....

maybe it's because i have had more important things to do than bear my sould for the world to see and read.....

maybe....just maybe....i've been in a place of peace.

i still don't know.

conflicted

i can't for the life of me figure out why i continually doubt the person that i am. i know i'm not perfect. i know i've got flaws, a lot of them. i know there are things in my life that i need to change. i know i don't always treat people the way i should. i know all those things, but at the same time i know, deep down, that my life has value. i know that i am a good person. i know that my life matters. i know that i have so much to offer: i'm a good friend. i'm trustworthy. i love people wholeheartedly.

i know all these things. in my heart, i know them and don't doubt them; most days.

but for some reason, when someone fails to see me in the way i want them to, i begin to doubt everything about myself. i begin to compare myself to all these people that i'm nothing like and never will be like. i begin to think there's something wrong with me. i start to doubt my value at all.

i know my value is not tied to any other human. i know where my value lies. i know who defines and fulfills me in the deepest parts. i know in my heart who validates beka.

what i don't know is why it's so hard to get my head and heart to agree?
my heart says that He fulfills me, while my head says he does.
or maybe it's the other way around. i'm conlficted. that's all i know right now.
i hope and pray that one day we can call agree.

strange enough

it feels the same way every time...

i get physically sick to my stomach. my legs feel weak. i find it hard to breathe normally.

you'd think that speaking in public would cause me to have this reaction. that or starting a new job. i don't think it's normal to have this response when you are merely speaking up for yourself.

when it's all said and done, i usually end up having some sort of false guilt or remorse. it's weird. i convince myself that i shouldn't have done or said what i did; like i don't deserve to share my thoughts or opinions with anyone. it's really weird.

last night i spoke my mind. i was still sick leading up to it and maybe a little while i was doing it, but strangely enough....

no guilt.
no remorse.
no self-loathing.

just a peace.
maybe that means i'm growing as a person.
maybe it's confirmation that i did the right thing.
maybe, just maybe.....

everything must change

they say change is never easy.

i believe 'em. whoever "they" are.
but no matter how difficult change may be, it's inevitable.

so that's where i find myself again; at a place of necessary change.

i look around and see myself standing on a wall, balancing myself,
trying to keep from falling. i see what's on both sides of this wall that
i've had to construct and i know exactly which way i want to fall....

but the choice is not mine. it's yours. and you're gonna have to choose.
for both our sakes: you've got to choose!
if you want me on your side of the wall, let me know so i can fall straight to you.
if not, then tell me now so i climb over the other side..

until you're out of sight. forever.

as long as i can see you i won't leave this place. and it's starting to rain.

bothered

this past week i have gotten back into the habit of running, for two reasons:

1. it makes me feel better about myself

2. it helps counteract the process that happens when i choose not to run

anyway, i was running last night on a pretty busy road when the most bothersome thing happened. as i was running, i heard a horn honking. now it's not that i'm vain enough to think they were honking at me, but for some reason it's a natural response to look when you hear a horn honk. so, that's what i did and as i looked over my shoulder i saw an suv driving by, with a skinny teenaged kid behind the wheel, flipping me off with both hands.

i don't know why it bothered me so much, but it did for some reason. i wasn't doing anything but running down the road, minding my own business, trying to burn a few calories. seriously? you're flipping me off? what's the world coming to!?!?!?!